Nesting

Unlike other animals, I experience the "urge to nest" in the fall, not in the spring. Whereas the average creature is exhilarated by the first signs of more light and warmth, I seem to get my motivation from the darkness and grayness. When the normal Finn wants to move to the countryside in the spring, I tend to dream about that when the winter starts to creep in. At this time of the year, I also find our fridge filled with food (me, cooking!)... So weird. I have no idea what's turned my biology upside down :) Any suggestions?

Money Matters

So, I wasn't too far off when I expressed my distrust towards the tax authorities back in the spring.

After adjusting the papers slightly, I now got the final verdict, in which the nice 250 Euros extra for Christmas turned out, once again, into over a hundred Euros owed :( I went to the tax office yesterday because I really couldn't understand how they came up with the new figures. Turns out that they messed up last year, and I should've paid the money already back then. So obviously there's nothing I can do; the only thing is that I'm really pissed at having to pay the tax twice for my 2007 income, rather than paying once for 2006 and once for 2007. Argh.

In any case, it seems that my life is revolving too much around money matters at the moment. Payments this way and that, calculating whether I can earn a bit more this year and so on. Too stressful. I should hire an accountant.

I'm a Man!(?)

I'm reading Catharine Van Nostrand's book Gender-responsible Leadership (for a Tuesday exam, if I may point out). The book is pretty thick and repetitive, but there really is something worth glancing through for everyone. I think van Nostrand does a good job at raising people's awareness on (gender-sensitive) communication issues - not only good for leaders but for anybody who has to communicate with other people (apart from one particular example this would include every human being).

At first I had trouble relating to the writing - she does sometimes slide towards the edge of hating all mankind, for instance. Then I realized that the problem was not so much that I didn't agree with the importance of the issue, but rather that my personal reactions and responses in many situations are typical of men! I'm not afraid to speak up, I don't avoid (intellectual) confrontation, and I generally don't go out of my way to create a pleasant atmosphere ;) This, according to van Nostrand, is more typical of men than women.

My problem seems to be that I'm doing my bit as the "unusual" woman only half-heartedly. I'm always blurting out things without asking for permission to speak (another characteristic of boys in classroom) but when trouble comes my way, my first instinct is to cancel my statements and be amiable (the best I can). It does irritate the hell out of me, though. Because MOST of the time, I don't regret things I do or say. Sometimes, I admit, I'm a little abrupt but generally I don't feel like I sincerely want to apologize. So maybe there's that little bit of a well-socialized woman in me after all, feeling that I need to seek pleasant coexistence with everyone and not be a fierce opponent of just about anything.

In any case, I'd rather learn to keep my head cool in conflict situations rather than learn to avoid them altogether... Wonder how my kids'll turn out?

Seriously, read the book! It's a fast and enlightening read!

Heavy Music.

Me and T went to see Symphony X and Dream Theater yesterday. In case you don't know, both play (in my opinion) rather heavy progressive metal. First time for me in their gig (or any such, apart from the Trans-Siberian Orchestra in Spokane).

Instead of actually focusing on the music, I spent my time observing the players and the audience.

- I had expected to stand out in a crowd of a) big "heavy guys" b) chicks in all-black clothes and gloomy make-up (and be about the only woman there anyway). In fact, there were definitely more women than I'd expected, and definitely less "dressing up". Some were even waring like smart suit jackets and stuff! Who would've thought?!

- Aren't people supposed to, like, start playing tango or something when they reach a certain age? These bands were funny, middle-aged dudes with their beer bellies, long hair and mean beards :) (Also noted: the Symphony X singer came on stage with remarkably shiny and smooth hair but after the first song it was all tangled.)

- Wonder what the Dream Theater drummer was trying to compensate for with the size of his drum set?!

- Also, it appears that the pianist secretly wanted to be the guitar-player. (He had this "guitar-style" keyboard that he hung around his neck)

- Also of interest was to observe the security confiscate a rather sizeable number of illegal cameras from the audience.

Restlessness

The most recent Trendi magazine had a feature on people who, rather than programming their lives ambitiously and according to what makes sense, allow themselves to drift from place to place and eventually end up better off.

At the moment I seem to be falling somewhere in-between. You know, having half-consciously built a certain type of CV and then having second thoughts about everything. And now wondering whether it would be better to abandon the original plans and just jump into something different...

Better not say anything else, as my opinion changes at least every other day...

This Age

I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: I’m probably living the best year(s) of my life so far. Never have I been this “serene” (how’s that for “seesteinen”?), so comfortable with (almost) everything. I guess it’s not so much being of certain age, but more so of being in a certain phase of life. You know, towards the end of your studies, optimistic about job prospects, stable relationships and all that.

Maybe that’s the thing, relationships. Me and T have been together close to 7 years. Who would have bet on us getting this far? No need to pretend – relationships started as teenagers don’t have that good odds. And who knows, maybe they’re still to play against us. But I think, I KNOW, we’ve done better than many others. And you know what? For the first time I’m not stressing. I’m not going through different scenarios, calculating the likeliness for a lifetime relationship. Because I know it isn’t about mathematics. From now on, it’s about the mutual WILL to make things work, shared hopes and values.

At “this age”, people around me are starting to get married. I’ve been waiting for that to happen, and recently the development has been fast! In just a few months, 3 couples have announced their engagement. But there’s one couple I’m particularly happy for. The first closer friend getting married is pretty exciting! And I’m happy this “teenage couple” has gotten to that place. At this point, I’m sure they too know that they’ll make it. Here’s to you, K and M!

Travel photos

I've posted some photos at my Facebook profile. Look me up! (If you have an urge to see all hundreds of them, let me know and I'll send the link to the entire photo album.)

Last days

We're in Lérida (Lleida), on our way back to Barcelona. After the previous post, we've been to Cadaqués (Dalí's house and beach life) and Andorra (mountains and tax-free shopping).

Traffic in Andorra was even more confusing than in Spain (that's what you get when you combine the best of Spain and France, said T). One of the local specialities included a "two-way lane" that worked as a bus lane (either way) or as a regular lane, depending on what the light sign above said... Another favorite is the "traffic peanut" (cf. roundabout).

Andorra is also a conveniently compact country. It's fair to say that we saw most of the country in one day ;) The best part was driving up to (another) skiing center, where we took the lift up and hiked up some more, reaching 2702 meters! Nice place for a picnic... Also saw some eagles right above our heads. The hike down the mountain was rather demanding but satisfying.

This has been a really strange vacation (weather-wise). About half of the days extremely hot, and the rest unreasonably chilly. Good thing, though, that the rain stopped after the first couple of days and we've remained dry.

So back to Barcelona next, hope to avoid being robbed again...

Barcelona

Fresh from having an experience of stupidity --> robbery. The five of us were sittin on a park bench, chilling, when a guy came up to us "asking for directions". Stupidly, I dug out my map and started looking for the street, the 4 others participating. (When the guy came up, I had a couple of Euros in my hand and told T to take them and watch out for our bags.) When he left (having not figured where he wanted to go), our friend noticed that his camera was gone. Although that was only a few minutes later, there wasn't really anything we could do. The guy was totally average looking and so on, and though we saw which way he went, he must have had a companion who took the camera and went to the other direction. The biggest loss is obviously the friend's photos, not the camera itself. And the humiliation of falling into that (albeit being suspicious of him). And the fact that I have experienced this before, in the same city!

Otherwise, it's been a good couple of days. I'm liking the city a whole lot more than the last time (when I had a fever and a toothache...). No idea where we're off tomorrow!

Ain't no sunshine...

... though it hasn't rained too bad since Sunday. Yesterday and today we've made mountain excursions, to Vallter 2000 and Val de Nuria skiing centers. Both are up at 2km and the temperature dropped down to 9 degrees!! Today we gave up and bought jackets to keep the wind and rain at a distance. Especially the Val de Nuria trip was really cool with an ancient railway going up the mountain etc.

***

We're still bravely camping despite the uninviting weather. I have to say that the others are quite a bit more "hardcore" in terms of their equipment. For instance, this one family had a tent with a sizable "living room" and three separate spaces for sleeping! Maybe it would make sense to buy a plot of land in Jollas with a sea view and just set up a tent there to get rid of the apartment problems? We, on the other hand, only have the small tent and a little flashlight, so when it gets dark at night (before 9pm.) we generally just try to sleep... A really wild vacation, eh? ;)

One more thing: I always thought it was a Finnish thing to switch to shorts the second your vacation starts, regardless of the weather. However, Spaniards really master this. They wear those fluffy winter coats during the relatively mild winter months, yet now walk around in shorts and miniskirts (the temperatures are probably about the same).

Rain in Spain

How's that possible? It's been raining all day long. Good thing we have the car, obviously. Tonight should be interesting with the tent and sleeping bags that are getting thoroughly soaked at the moment...

Finding a camping was not altogether easy in the first place. First site we checked did not quite look like the "excellent amenities" promised by the guidebook. The second no longer existed. The third is quite nice, except for the humidity of course.

Our neighbors at the camping have two dogs, they seem to be happy to sleep outside. On the other hand, the owners did put up a marquee about the size of your average urban patio next to their smallish 2-person tent... We are definitely roughing it up, sitting on the ground etc. Not much cooking going on either, since we couldn't find any fuel for the Trangia. Now we got some skin-cleaning (?) alcohol, let's see if it's any good.

So we've been village-hopping for two days since it's so easy with the car. Girona yesterday, Besalú, Olot, Castellfollit and Figueres today. These all are really close to each other, but probably wouldn't have gotten around to seeing them without the car, since bus services usually aren't that frequent.

People are happier to speak Spanish than I feared. Although T almost ended up hungry at a restaurant because the poor waiter didn't understand me ordering the menu twice :D Trying to speak English is not much use here, except at the Barcelona airport.

Let's see where we'll end up tomorrow, they're forecasting more rain... :S

- S&T

The Art of Potter

What is it about the Potter books that fascinate so many people - myself included? Now that the last (latest) book came out, I notice that most of my friends aren't interested. I didn't rush to buy the book either but I got around to reading it, I couldn't stop.

For one thing, I guess it's just simple nostalgy. I would've loved the books when I was 10 or so :) The magical world within the Muggle world, the school and all that.

But I don't think nostalgy is enough for taking me through 7 books, hundreds of pages each! It just suddenly came to me that Rowling has something special in the way she describes emotions, especially negative feelings. Usually emotions are portrayed as what is seen from the outside, as in "He seemed angry." But Rowling really manages to capture the essence of those moments when you just feel like you're going to explode and when you actually want to punch someone. (I do hope other people get that urge sometimes, too. I mean, seriously imagining hitting someone.)

Also, quite apart from most child-oriented literature, Rowling doesn't have that irritating habit of teaching lessons in the most straightforward way. Of course, the morale pops up here and there, even verbalized (especially by Dumbledore) but the messages are more complex than "Good shall conquer bad."



Ps. Was Snape really a good guy that did bad things for love or a bad guy who agreed to pose as good for the same reason?

I hate packing!

And I seem to start fretting about it earlier and earlier. Four days to go and I'm feeling panicky. At this point I always feel like backing out of all travel plans. I hate the trouble of deciding what to take with me, the packing itself, and especially the part where you keep wondering whether you took everything you need.

Yes, I know, I don't travel to places where you couldn't buy whatever you left at home (and more) but still, it's just so nervewracking!

And I'm real lousy at packing. How can it be that my clothes, for instance, are physically smaller than T's but take up more space? I start to sweat just by looking at the pile of clothes and thinking that I should manage to roll them into nice tight bunches.

This strong dislike towards the act of packing does not mean that I wouldn't have an equally strong urge to "pre-pack" (this, of course, in addition to making a detailed list on everything). No point in it, really, because usually three things happen: a) I decide that the sleeping bag/the mattress/the pillow/the extra pair of shoes doesn't need to fit IN the backpack, I can always strap it outside, b) T ends up packing the rest of the stuff c) I've forgotten half of the things I need from the "pre-packing" and have to arrange it all over again anyway.

Have I ever forgotten anything of "vital" importance? No, not really. Well, nail clippers... I had to buy a really crappy pair in Salzburg that time.


ps. I've bee led to believe that there are actual real people who read this blog, so please leave a sign ;)

Semi-serious apartment hunting

Would you rent a 20-square-meter apartment for 450€ with shower in a different building?

How about one that you'd be required to move in to within 3 days, pay that month's rent (900€) AND a 1800-Euro-fee AND the rent for your previous apartment (since it's probably not going to happen that you could move away with 2-days' notice)?

Well, welcome to Helsinki real estate business. Apparently the rental business is very hot now (because those who owned apartments started selling them a year or two ago because the sale prices were ridiculously high - now that the loan interests are going up, people are suddenly wanting to rent again). Dozens of people show up for open house and try bid against each other to get the apartment.

It's starting to seem very appealing to continue studies forever, just to keep this student apartment, not-quite-perfect as it is.

Random

It’s honestly not worthwhile postponing the decision to buy something. I found a fabulous bag and decided to hint to T on my upcoming birthday. Went to the store to show it to him, and there were none left. I was told there wouldn’t be any. So yesterday I bought another one instead. Today I passed through the store, and what do we have there? The exact bag I wanted in the first place! Good thing I hadn’t used the other one yet so I can return it. But still, all the fuzz…

***

I look out the window at the rain and stormy wind and can’t believe it’s only July 31^st. It smells of autumn too! Since I’ve been working the whole summer, the relatively *humid* weather hasn’t really bothered me, though. But I guess it’s going to be hard getting adjusted to the Spanish heat in a couple of weeks? Last summer it was different. The awful heat throughout the summer made me get used to it and Italy, even Rome, was nothing.

***

I love seeing the tourists around Helsinki. It’s fun listening to them talking, speculating about people and the sights :) Also plenty of Finnish tourists. It reminds me of not taking my surroundings for granted. This young girl exclaimed in the tram that “I’ve only seen such big ships in my dreams,” when sighting the Silja Line cruise ship to Stockholm.

What wouldn't one do for a few (Estonian) huckleberries?

I bought a litre of Estonian huckleberries yesterday. They were probably a bit on the expensive side, 4 Euros, but on the other hand, you do get quite a few berries in a litre. When I got home, I realized they smelled a little funny, like they were already fermenting or something. Some of them tasted alright whereas others had a really funny taste. What would the average person do?
- take them back to the store. (Too much trouble.)
- eat them anyway. (Didn't taste too good. What if I get foodpoisoning or something?)
- throw them away. (That's really not something a person like me does.)

So I start handpicking the good ones separate from the bad ones! :D Of the half a litre I went through, maybe two thirds passed my strict selection criteria. After the procedure I rinsed (!) the berries with cold water. And they taste just nice! But still, I decided to throw the other .5 litres away. Now I kind of regret that. I could easily sort through them as well.

Another good thing, apart from having some goodies to go with my muesli, rinsing the berries removed the annoying blue color that makes milk all gross. Unfortunately, the color sticks rather nicely in my fingers and under my nails.

Next time, though, I'm going to go and pick the damn berries by myself. It's still less trouble than this...

Really a sportswoman after all?

Who would’ve thought that I, of all persons, would have sports-related problems dating back to childhood? Considering that I always thought (as a child and looking back) that I was unathletic, hated school PE and was even sort of clumsy!

I went to see a physiotherapist today about foot/leg problems I’ve been having, thinking they have to do with the past couple of years’ increased amount of physical exercise. But after I mentioned that “Well, yeah, I’ve played the violin actively for about 15 years and danced ballet for 7 years,” he went “well, THAT figures.” :D According to him, my joints are of a (rare?) type that is very sensitive and the kind of “forming” required in ballet (and playing the violin) have caused some damage… Apparently he found me quite challenging… But already started working, pointing out that even my stomach muscles are “horribly tight” – not meaning in good shape ;)

Anyway, he already managed to get something going in the foot too, and hopefully a few more meetings will get things even further. As for my weight (which my previous doctor told me to start losing…), he said that it’s better to be a few kilos overweight than to go back and forth (which I also seem to be doing). Also, he told me to start working out with lower intensity but longer periods of time. This, he admitted, would be difficult since “usually ballet dancers and violinists are the worst type – it usually doesn’t look like they enjoy exercising,” meaning that they (we) tend to strive for a 110 per cent even with the risk of damage. Well, I have to say that too kind of hit home…

So some learning to do there!

Finland is now closed (?)

It was funny cycling to work this morning. The normal never-ending stream of cars had a visible beginning and ending. When the traffic lights were red there seemed to be no noise what-so-ever. Finland is on vacation.

At this time of the year, it's easy to find a topic for a bit of chit-chat with people at work. "So, when's your holiday?", "Are you going to take all days off at once?", "Are you traveling somewhere?", "It seems the weather's going to be ok." I think these conversations are especially fulfilling with a temporary worker like me who's there when everyone else is off and takes her holiday without pay... I don't mind, but man, it's going to feel nice the first time I have a real, paid summer holiday!

Also, now that the average Helsinkian is off to his summer house, the tourists have taken over Helsinki. You hear more English and German than Finnish in the main tourist areas. It's fun, really, except when you have to ride your bike through the Market Square. People getting on your way from each direction, stopping without warning and all that. I can tolerate the foreigners, they're probably not used to bike lanes but the Finns really irritate me. I could give a lecture on how behave in the traffic. *grin*

I'm ok.

I wonder: is the concept of Finnish politeness changing? We've usually taken pride in being honest (blunt) people. It is totally acceptable to reply "I'm not too great today" to "How are you". But lately, I've noticed I've started to reply "I'm ok" even though in fact I've been practically on the top of the world for the past couple of weeks. I wouldn't wish to lose my ability to be straightforward (though it is a little frightening when, after knowing a person for only a few hours, they ask you for "an honest opinion since you always speak your mind"!).

On the other hand, maybe it's more about the very Finnish way of not bragging. "Tears from a lot of laughter" is definitely a Finnish rule-of-thumb... Similarly we seem to put special importance to sports and other events that we're relatively bad at: soccer, icehockey, formula1, Eurovision. Losing becomes a matter of national unity. The occasional victory makes us confused but soon we say "well, that just proved the point".

Oh joy. It's interesting to see oneself living up to some of these stereotypical characteristics.

Fit in. Stand out.

I finally placed an order for an iPod. As usual, I went for “style before purpose”. Features aren’t that important, as long as the thing looks good :) So, I chose the “buy-a-clean-conscience” model. It’s red, you see!

On the other hand, choosing the looks wasn’t all that difficult (although it did cross my mind how well the red iPod would go with my average clothes). I hit a stalemate when trying to come up with something clever to engrave on the back of my new toy. Obviously, I’m not the first one. Do a little googling and you’ll see that many people have had the same problem. Should you go for something funny (that you’ll find dull by the time the package arrives at your door), something profound (with the risk of sounding pathetic) or something useful (like difficult dates)?

Lucky that I am, I have the Man who’s always willing to spend time on tasks like this. We searched the web and played with words, and managed to come up with a few nice ideas. None of them are unique thoughts, of course (my philosophy teacher once said that his goal on every course was to have students come up with a thought that no one had ever thought of before). Nevertheless, here they are:

Time is precious. Do nothing. (Buddha)
I’m different, just like everybody else.
Fit in. Stand out.
1,000 reasons to ignore my boyfriend.
Tyyli ennen tarkoitusta [Style before purpose.]

Now, the first one is obviously the attempt to be profound. It’s sort of funny too. The next is, well, funny and profound too, but maybe also a little worn out (“all different, all equal” used to be a big campaign in Finland when I was a kid). The third was my idea (also the name of a book, it seems). This one does capture the essence of my daily life – how to not draw attention to myself from the wrong people while attracting others. The fourth is simply amusing. And the last, well, I already explained that.

I went for “Fit in. Stand out.” I hope its value lasts, at least until next week when I get my baby :)

SUMMER!

Or at least almost... Yesterday I really felt it for the first time - the warmth, the sheer joy of being on a vacation of sorts.

That doesn't mean, of course, that I couldn't at the same time be planning for next fall already (my friends think I'm crazy, which is quite understandable). I really did put together a preliminary schedule for my courses... I must be out of my mind. But I like being organized. I'm just a bit weird that way.

I think I'm experiencing some kind of hyperactivity disorder at the moment. Everything seems so great and thrilling that I'm not sure if it's even possible! There seriously can't be this good friends, this interesting things to study, this wonderful people in general - soon somebody's gonna come and tell me I've been dreaming the whole time...

The Joy of Networking

It’s incredible how much satisfaction one can get from meeting new people. Especially ones that (seem to) take you seriously and are interested in you and your opinions ;) I’ve again had the chance to get to know wonderful people, share ideas (and a few drinks) and find myself completely “at home”. This was the University of Tampere North American Studies conference. It was amazing to connect with people from all over the world and be able to find a common language (figuratively speaking, since English wasn’t exactly an issue).

Yes, it does boost a young undergraduate’s confidence to have “older” scholars get interested in her work and ideas (and maybe even in the actual person ;) .

Leaves of Grass

Someone I know lost her child. He was just over a year old. Their first, only one. The doctors found a brain tumor and a few hours later, he was already gone. He was truly just in the beginning of his life. Learning to walk, his firsts in everything.

There are no words. I can’t even begin to understand. But maybe that’s nature’s way of making sure people still want to have children after such experiences? If I could live their pain, I’m not sure I could ever have the courage to have children of my own. Or does the joy of parenthood surpass the grief of loss, at least after some time goes by?

This poem by Walt Whitman greatly consoles me, even on a day like this when it all does seem so unfair.

“I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love,/
If you want me look for me under your boot-soles./
--- Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,/
I stop somewhere waiting for you.”

So that's what it was...

... that restlessness, the energetic yet slightly depressed feeling: the Flu. Come on, I never get sick like this! It's my thing to be on-and-off sick for weeks before actually catching a cold. And now, all of a sudden I have a fever :( This sucks. The weirdest thing though - mentally, I still feel very energetic, it's just that staying up too long makes me feel dizzy.

Spring in the air

Now I think it's truly here. Spring! Apart from the longer hours of daylight, you know it from the feeling inside you. You’re full of energy and excited about all kinds of things but can’t concentrate on anything.

I have several exciting projects that I’m looking forward to but just can’t really focus. Even writing this seems to be a challenge of sorts. Some newspaper wrote an article about people who hate spring because of this feeling. I can sort of sympathize them but on the other hand, I don’t remember the last time I felt this alive!

I’m pretty much the most beautiful person there is :)

Tell Me How to Make up My Mind

How did this happen? I had it all figured out. Finish my English studies next year, get out of the university, work as a translator or some such thing. And now I’m back to square one (or beyond), and wondering what to do with my life.

In the last few days I’ve had the chance to meet some young scholars, and I really enjoyed their company and insights. Maybe they didn’t want to discourage me, but nevertheless they seemed reasonably optimistic about their future prospects. More importantly, they took me seriously, and encouraged me to pursue my interests.

So here I am, thinking that I should draft a revised plan for the near future. It’s hard though, since I’d already “established” that I’m going to graduate in a year. Would I have regrets if I didn’t go through with it? Probably. Maybe this could be the way to express my apparent teacher qualities? Continuing studies in history and becoming a university lecturer? In any case, it’s certain that one more year of university will definitely not harm me, no matter what I decide to do next.

So here we go again.

Can irritation kill?

That’s pretty much what a famous Finnish politician once said when, yet again, somebody had taken away a position that was “rightfully his”. Yeah well, maybe you’re not that smart and maybe you should just retire? Oh no, I’ll be gone twelve years, try to preach anti-EU politics in the European Parliament and then return to Finland to demand a high political office. Yeah well, maybe no one’s going to give a s*it about that? No, wrong again, I’m now Finland’s Minister of Foreign Trade and Development! What the f*ck?!

Pardon my French. I'm just so pissed off at some of the choices for the new government. I can’t believe that the government negotiations, where the mantra seemed to be “dynamic, innovative Finland”, have now ended in the selection of two thousand-year-old, conservative, practically mono-lingual men as Minister for Foreign Affairs and Minister for Foreign Trade and Development! It seems that we want to draw the attention of the tabloid press to us with a ladies man and the old fart.

(I was planning to row to Sweden with my colleague but apparently we still have too much work to do in reporting all this.)

***

On another note, I’ve been “improving my CV” by engaging in extracurricular activities. In fact, it will be useful, probably both on paper and in practice. How many 24-year-olds have been responsible for recruitment of a new “employee”, sorting through some 20 applications, planning the selection, conducting interviews and sitting in the committee that picks the new “employee”? In addition, I’m also learning diplomacy (at least on the phone where you can make all kinds of faces while sounding all pleasant and understanding :D ) which shouldn't hurt me...

Excitement to dull days?

You see the big envelope that says ”Vero” (Tax). Your pulse begins to rise and you feel nauseous. You tear the envelope open, shuffle through the papers, looking for that certain page. Do you get to exhale with a sigh of relief or is your day ruined? Do you get that liberating sensation of knowing that, next Christmas, you’ll have something extra for presents? Or do you have to start planning not only how to buy those Christmas presents but also how to pay for your extra taxes?

The “extra tax” section of the letter is always with a larger print. Quick look – nothing there. What a relief! Then some more shuffling – did I end up with zero this year? No, in fact, this time I get a not-too-bad sum back!

I don’t care if economists say that extra taxes are more profitable for the tax payer (loan from the state with low interest rate) than tax returns (loan to the state with low interest rate). For me it’s impossible to anticipate the taxation (and I have a permanent distrust towards the taxation authority :D ) and therefore I definitely prefer it this way. And what’s with the December pay-date anyway? Just pure torture…

Making progress with the master's thesis!

I went to have a chat with the supervisor-to-be. Unlike the average university lecturer, he was really helpful! Instead of saying "I think you can go with that" to all my suggestions, he actuallly gave me really straightforward ideas on where to go. So I'm probably going to choose two Japanese-American novels and go from there. I actually already bought one of the books! I'm really excited. All I have to do now is to get rid of the proseminar first before I can get to the new project...

Anxiety

Just posting this to get rid of a strange kind of anxiety I've been having for the past two days. Well, it really comes and goes but it's somehow physical. Just get this sudden sense of being upset about something but can't really exactly figure out why. Just kind of a "well, f*ck you too" sensation. I think I'm too tired. I should probably go to bed. I'm alright.

April Fool's Day

I don't think I've fallen for any tricks :)

We're suddenly living by a lake. That's right. Whereas we used to have some 2km to the sea shore (no beach, unfortunately), we now also have a little lake about 1km from the house. It's all idyllic with glistening water and seagulls having a bath. Too bad it's actually just a field. Don't know how deep it is either but looks all glorious. I bet the field owner doesn't feel the same way, though. The lake's appeared before but it's never been this big (and nice looking). Last winter, the same field functioned as a skating "arena"... I wonder what this does to the soil - does it grow better or worse?

Oh yeah, and this story is true ;) I'll try to download a photo for proof.
***

Another couple is moving out of the house (I hope we don't make too much noise :D ). Makes me hope we'd get to move to some nicer place too. I bet these two bought an apartment of their own (the guy's a pilot). He was in my high school, and all these 3 years we lived in the same building and never said a word to each other! (He'd changed so much since high school that it took me like 2 years to even realise who he was and then we just didn't actually see each other ever. We're not exactly neighbor-friendly in this building!)

Signs of spring

It's not the warmth, the melting snow, the sun or the longer periods of daylight. What really gets me in the spring mood is the shrieking of the seagulls! I know many (city) people hate those creatures but not me, I just love them :) I’m just essentially a sea girl I guess… This is also the time of the year I wish I were living somewhere more central. The downtown streets are cleaned off of sand much faster than the suburbs and there’re tons of people outside…

"When I'm [insert age]..."

A friend of mine turned thirty. It got me thinking about age. I’ve always been one to make fun of age – usually of my “juniority” or seniority to someone else. I know some people get offended; they either interpret it as me thinking they’re too old or too childish. That’s not it, really. Age makes very little difference to me (well, at least it makes very little difference if someone’s older than me. I tend to get “racist” in relation to a lot younger people…). Essentially, I don’t think I’ve changed at all in the past 10 years :) When I think back at myself at for instance 13 (that’s 12 years ago!!), I felt like I was all grown up. It doesn’t seem like I’d changed that much. I mean, my core values are the same; I enjoy pretty much the same things I did back then etc. Sure, I have a slightly ampler perspective on the world but I’m really quite stubborn in my thoughts and likings. But now, when I think of 13-year-olds, I think they’re just babies. Or the 16-year-olds at the Idols contest – I totally think they’re too young to participate. (And then again, the day before I turned sixteen, I traveled practically by myself to the US to live with a strange family for a year…)

I know that in many things, these five years that separate me from the 30-year-old can be a lot. (She claims she has wrinkles :D Obviously they aren’t visible to the naked eye.) But really, many of the things don’t have anything to do with age, per se. They have more to do with personality. I also have some friends at the university who are in their 40s or 50s, and when I compare them to some colleagues it seems that these students are at least 20 years younger!

I can’t really imagine myself at thirty or forty. Not that I ever thought that was old, or that I had some kind of an aging crisis. It’s just that I can quite well plan what I want to do etc. but I can’t really imagine being any different. I guess I don’t have to (be or plan to be). One blogger talked about this a little while ago. Someone in the comments pointed out that it feels so weird being twenty-something and your colleagues asking for your opinion about something. “What? You think I know something?!” That’s exactly how I feel. “One day they’ll notice I’m completely clueless.” Awesome! :)

PS. Ou-mai-gaad. I got home at 5.30pm and it wasn’t dark yet!!!!!!

What am I good at?

In this sudden spurge of energy, I’ve today drafted some plans for the future (nothing like the “five-year plan” I desire but at least something), mostly related to studying. I’m getting all psyched at the prospect of graduating in May 2008 – I even got Timo to check his courses and it seems we might finish together! And then – we’ll treat ourselves to a month in America!

Now it’s mostly just the question of the thesis topic. I’ve been going back and forth. For quite some time I was sure I need to do something related to translation. I was especially excited about studying song translations. It’s still a tempting topic, and while I work with translation and know it in that way, I’m not sure I have enough competence (and capacity of learning…) to start writing on such a new topic. I mean, I don’t have much methodological skills or anything.

Besides, I’ve studied North America so much, both here in Helsinki as well as in Idaho. I feel that is a field where I already have some level of expertise. I’m especially fond of the Pacific Northwest. If I’d only known how many Finns have moved there over the years – I would’ve definitely spent some time researching the topic while I was there! Anyway, my current options on the PNW now lean towards literature – who would have ever thought me writing a thesis on a literary topic?! :) Well, the ideas I’m weighing are more inclined towards presentations of history, maybe ethnicity/otherness, so not exactly hard-core literary analysis. Obviously, I don’t have that much methodological competence in that field either but at least I know it’s not too difficult to come by good teachers for a literary topic.

But then again… Song translations would be such an entertaining topic! Not sure it would be enough to get me through a whole year of hard work? Hmm. I actually think I’m pretty excited about this literary topic.. thoughtling (you know, the diminutive of an actual, full-scale thought…) – just somebody tell me where to start!

New Beginning and Language Identity

So it’s been ”a while”. I’ve tried a few other blogs (strictly focusing on a certain project), thinking that this one’s too hard to continue as it was so focused on my months in Idaho.

I also tried writing in Finnish but it doesn’t seem too natural. It’s hard to figure out why. I feel very passionate about my mother tongue – I once said that I’d do anything to make sure that my children or grandchildren wouldn’t become English-speaking. While I love English and the globalizing world (in this context strictly in the sense that I get to speak English), at the same time I’m insanely jealous about Finnish and the fact that it’s inevitably changing.

So how is it that I’m still writing in English? Maybe it’s simply the fact that my Finnish never manages to sound “good” enough. Not witty enough, not sophisticated enough, or whatever it is that I’m looking for. English, on the other hand, is “easier”. Of course I recognize bad English when I see it but maybe it’s just that much harder to spot the nuance between “perfectly adequate” and “brilliant” language use. I know I fall under the category of “perfectly adequate” which is just fine in English, but in Finnish I seem to have the need to be “brilliant”.

I don’t think being a “brilliant” language user comes only from knowing the language. I know I have an extremely versatile vocabulary, I’ve read a lot and I definitely know my grammar. Of course it’s partly about the experience one has as a writer but also, I think, one’s identity. Others are better at expressing themselves in writing? Maybe I’m just better off thinking my thoughts without trying to express them at all? LOL :D (Seriously, sometimes I think my thoughts and my speech don’t match – it happens so often that people seem to understand what I’m saying completely differently from what I think I’m saying. See, there it is again, I’m good at expressing myself in my thoughts.)

Anyway, I thought I’d give my writing another try, both because it’s so fashionable and also because right now I feel so energetic that I’m certain great ideas and visions are awaiting around the corner for me to record them here and lose them in the realms of the World Wide Web forever…