Time goes by...

... on so many levels. There's the simple week-to-week, too fast passage of time, of course, which seems to keep me from doing things I want (like writing my blog, sending out Christmas cards etc.). Then there's the year-to-year speed, which makes children grow into teenagers, adults into elderly, and me - yeah, into what?

I don't think I've changed much in the last 5 years (I know what I've said earlier about growing more mature, maybe, but you know, physically at least) - whereas my "baby cousins" have become these all new persons. I can't keep up with them, I don't know how to talk to them anymore (it might help to keep in touch with them a bit more often than once a year?).

I think my Dad's getting old. He has this dark grey beard with a few streaks of white (his hair has stayed the same though, so I guess I should be pleased with my hair genes - the hair's always thin and dull-colored, but it won't go bald or grey). His legs look like they belong to a grandpa (you know, skinny legs coupled with a bit of a belly). Mom, who's older, seems younger. She hasn't changed a bit (good hair genes on her side, too), or maybe even for the better after she had her hip fixed two years ago.

Me, on the other hand, I don't think I even appear my own age :D I seem to think I'm still 20. I mean, I look at strange people actually my age and think they're "grown-up," but if someone I know is having a baby, I think they're "so awfully young." I wonder if one ever feels their own age?

Once a choir girl, always a choir girl?

Going back and forth with trying to decide whether to continue singing in the choir (after over 5 years), I've been thinking about the significance of the group. It's interesting to see how the dynamic of a social group never seems to be stagnant. Maybe it's the student group nature of the choir, people coming and going, but in any case, in the past five years there have been many different "seasons." I guess I have to admit that it is a kind of second family to me. You don't always love them but cannot seem to get rid of them either... ;)

While I'd like to see something else for a change - or even go back to playing the violin for a while - I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave the community. Last night at our birthday gala I was so touched to watch a man probably in his 70s or 80s sing along old favorites. He knew them by heart, and although his voice was that of an old man, he sure had passion... How great would it be to attend the 90th birthday (in 45 years) and be able to participate in that cross-generational feeling of unity?

The unbearable snugness of being...

Some things never fail to please me. First thing that comes to mind is the very short GrooveFM signature tune! However often it may come, it still always reminds me of last spring and makes me smile. Hard to say why, really, maybe just because I listened so much to the radio in that tiny apartment of mine. Hearing the tune makes me remember all the excitement of living on my own for the first time. And then, I guess, it just brings to my mind the special thrill of spring-time in general. All seasons have their appealing sides, but there sure is something about spring!

Now that fall is here, I realize again my apparent need for "nesting." All kinds of decorating stores catch my eye and I love the fact that I can light some candles and just enjoy my own company. Sitting inside in the warmth of my own home, even the darkness outside seems appealing. An amazing sense of complete happiness has flushed over me on more than one occasion. What else could one hope for on a Saturday night - comfy clothes, candlelight, an entertaining chick magazine, some sparkling wine, and maybe even a home manicure? I wouldn't rather be anywhere else right now...

The last week or so, I've also enjoyed the privilege of sleeping just as much as I please. I know that's coming to an end, so I'm hoping to gain some extra energy from all the time I've spent dreaming...

A little bit of impulsiveness

I usually like to call myself a flexible person. Of course, deep down I know I'm almost everything but. I like to plan everything in advance, although I do allow myself some deviations from the plan. But it works like this: I can be flexible WITHIN a plan (for example change the destination if I already decided to travel). It gets a lot harder if I have to change the plan altogether.

Today, I made a spur-of-the-moment decision to go away for a few days, leaving tomorrow. Instead of making me feel all giddy, I first felt almost guilty. Why? It's not like I can't do whatever I please. I live by myself, I don't even have any pets to look after. My "job" (the beloved thesis) is not dependent on time or place, and I could definitely use some distance anyway.

So after a bit of fretting, I decided to allow myself to enjoy this unexpected impulsiveness.

A nice feeling really, changing your plans just like that. Should try it more often. Maybe...

A year older, infinitely wiser?

This week, I've been thinking about how many things can change in a year. Since last August, I've changed my job (well, I don't exactly have one at all right now), my apartment (twice), my major, my relationship status... And I do feel quite a bit wiser than a year ago. Looking back to last August, I feel like I've grown up so much... I seemed to have so many definitive opinions about things, I seemed to be so sure about how life would turn out. Well, I was wrong, and if I'm lucky, I might have gotten rid of a bit of my youthful idealism along the way.

Since I have been thinking about age in general lately (how can it be, for instance, that the Finnish olympic team has five members born in the 1990s??), I decided to
look back a few years of my own life.
A year ago:
- I was going to write my MA thesis on American literature
- I thought emotions could be controlled with reason

Five years ago:
- I started my studies at the University (still planning to become a teacher for elementary school)
- I felt like I should do whatever I thought others expected of me

Ten years ago:
- On my 16th birthday, I arrived in Arizona to spend a year with a strange family in a completely new environment
- I'd created a strong conviction of being an irritating person who nobody wanted to hang around with

Fifteen years ago:
- I started 5th grade and became one of the bigger kids at school (though still not allowed to sit at the round tables at the cafeteria, they were for 6th-graders only...)

Twenty years ago:
- I went to preschool and started to learn about schedules and rules (the teacher frequently called my parents to complain about my cheekiness...)

Growing roots, gathering dust?

I just suddenly realized something. Literally out of nowhere it occurred to me that I'm perfectly content with my surroundings and my life. (Ok, I mean the basic conditions. I could always have a little bit more money and a little bit more time with loved ones etc., but anyways.)

I'm so used to yearning for action, new places, socializing, things to do that I assumed this was the case behind my slight gloominess this time, as well. But I just realized it's quite on the contrary. I'm tired. I long for routine, every-day life, familiar people and places.

Nothing wrong with that at all. For this one, fleeting moment, I have just what I need. It'll go away, I know, and probably too soon, too...

Attitude

I saw a man "jogging" on crutches. You could tell that he wasn't just walking to get from one place to another, but actually exercising. Going a lot faster than your average guy on two feet, too. There's proper attitude for you!

Speaking of attitude, I'm trying to adjust mine. So far, I've been stressing and fretting about not finding a job for the summer. Of course, I'd need the money, but I do have some to live on, so I shouldn't complain. This was, after all, what I wanted in the first place: the possibility to start working on my MA thesis over the summer, in my own speed. Doing just that today - reading background material and enjoying the beautiful sunshine at the same time :)