Time goes by...

... on so many levels. There's the simple week-to-week, too fast passage of time, of course, which seems to keep me from doing things I want (like writing my blog, sending out Christmas cards etc.). Then there's the year-to-year speed, which makes children grow into teenagers, adults into elderly, and me - yeah, into what?

I don't think I've changed much in the last 5 years (I know what I've said earlier about growing more mature, maybe, but you know, physically at least) - whereas my "baby cousins" have become these all new persons. I can't keep up with them, I don't know how to talk to them anymore (it might help to keep in touch with them a bit more often than once a year?).

I think my Dad's getting old. He has this dark grey beard with a few streaks of white (his hair has stayed the same though, so I guess I should be pleased with my hair genes - the hair's always thin and dull-colored, but it won't go bald or grey). His legs look like they belong to a grandpa (you know, skinny legs coupled with a bit of a belly). Mom, who's older, seems younger. She hasn't changed a bit (good hair genes on her side, too), or maybe even for the better after she had her hip fixed two years ago.

Me, on the other hand, I don't think I even appear my own age :D I seem to think I'm still 20. I mean, I look at strange people actually my age and think they're "grown-up," but if someone I know is having a baby, I think they're "so awfully young." I wonder if one ever feels their own age?

Once a choir girl, always a choir girl?

Going back and forth with trying to decide whether to continue singing in the choir (after over 5 years), I've been thinking about the significance of the group. It's interesting to see how the dynamic of a social group never seems to be stagnant. Maybe it's the student group nature of the choir, people coming and going, but in any case, in the past five years there have been many different "seasons." I guess I have to admit that it is a kind of second family to me. You don't always love them but cannot seem to get rid of them either... ;)

While I'd like to see something else for a change - or even go back to playing the violin for a while - I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave the community. Last night at our birthday gala I was so touched to watch a man probably in his 70s or 80s sing along old favorites. He knew them by heart, and although his voice was that of an old man, he sure had passion... How great would it be to attend the 90th birthday (in 45 years) and be able to participate in that cross-generational feeling of unity?

The unbearable snugness of being...

Some things never fail to please me. First thing that comes to mind is the very short GrooveFM signature tune! However often it may come, it still always reminds me of last spring and makes me smile. Hard to say why, really, maybe just because I listened so much to the radio in that tiny apartment of mine. Hearing the tune makes me remember all the excitement of living on my own for the first time. And then, I guess, it just brings to my mind the special thrill of spring-time in general. All seasons have their appealing sides, but there sure is something about spring!

Now that fall is here, I realize again my apparent need for "nesting." All kinds of decorating stores catch my eye and I love the fact that I can light some candles and just enjoy my own company. Sitting inside in the warmth of my own home, even the darkness outside seems appealing. An amazing sense of complete happiness has flushed over me on more than one occasion. What else could one hope for on a Saturday night - comfy clothes, candlelight, an entertaining chick magazine, some sparkling wine, and maybe even a home manicure? I wouldn't rather be anywhere else right now...

The last week or so, I've also enjoyed the privilege of sleeping just as much as I please. I know that's coming to an end, so I'm hoping to gain some extra energy from all the time I've spent dreaming...

A little bit of impulsiveness

I usually like to call myself a flexible person. Of course, deep down I know I'm almost everything but. I like to plan everything in advance, although I do allow myself some deviations from the plan. But it works like this: I can be flexible WITHIN a plan (for example change the destination if I already decided to travel). It gets a lot harder if I have to change the plan altogether.

Today, I made a spur-of-the-moment decision to go away for a few days, leaving tomorrow. Instead of making me feel all giddy, I first felt almost guilty. Why? It's not like I can't do whatever I please. I live by myself, I don't even have any pets to look after. My "job" (the beloved thesis) is not dependent on time or place, and I could definitely use some distance anyway.

So after a bit of fretting, I decided to allow myself to enjoy this unexpected impulsiveness.

A nice feeling really, changing your plans just like that. Should try it more often. Maybe...

A year older, infinitely wiser?

This week, I've been thinking about how many things can change in a year. Since last August, I've changed my job (well, I don't exactly have one at all right now), my apartment (twice), my major, my relationship status... And I do feel quite a bit wiser than a year ago. Looking back to last August, I feel like I've grown up so much... I seemed to have so many definitive opinions about things, I seemed to be so sure about how life would turn out. Well, I was wrong, and if I'm lucky, I might have gotten rid of a bit of my youthful idealism along the way.

Since I have been thinking about age in general lately (how can it be, for instance, that the Finnish olympic team has five members born in the 1990s??), I decided to
look back a few years of my own life.
A year ago:
- I was going to write my MA thesis on American literature
- I thought emotions could be controlled with reason

Five years ago:
- I started my studies at the University (still planning to become a teacher for elementary school)
- I felt like I should do whatever I thought others expected of me

Ten years ago:
- On my 16th birthday, I arrived in Arizona to spend a year with a strange family in a completely new environment
- I'd created a strong conviction of being an irritating person who nobody wanted to hang around with

Fifteen years ago:
- I started 5th grade and became one of the bigger kids at school (though still not allowed to sit at the round tables at the cafeteria, they were for 6th-graders only...)

Twenty years ago:
- I went to preschool and started to learn about schedules and rules (the teacher frequently called my parents to complain about my cheekiness...)

Growing roots, gathering dust?

I just suddenly realized something. Literally out of nowhere it occurred to me that I'm perfectly content with my surroundings and my life. (Ok, I mean the basic conditions. I could always have a little bit more money and a little bit more time with loved ones etc., but anyways.)

I'm so used to yearning for action, new places, socializing, things to do that I assumed this was the case behind my slight gloominess this time, as well. But I just realized it's quite on the contrary. I'm tired. I long for routine, every-day life, familiar people and places.

Nothing wrong with that at all. For this one, fleeting moment, I have just what I need. It'll go away, I know, and probably too soon, too...

Attitude

I saw a man "jogging" on crutches. You could tell that he wasn't just walking to get from one place to another, but actually exercising. Going a lot faster than your average guy on two feet, too. There's proper attitude for you!

Speaking of attitude, I'm trying to adjust mine. So far, I've been stressing and fretting about not finding a job for the summer. Of course, I'd need the money, but I do have some to live on, so I shouldn't complain. This was, after all, what I wanted in the first place: the possibility to start working on my MA thesis over the summer, in my own speed. Doing just that today - reading background material and enjoying the beautiful sunshine at the same time :)

Feels Like Home

Only a day after coming back to Finland, I had to get my act together for moving all my stuff to the new apartment. Physically exhausting but emotionally not too much, in fact, I really felt like coming home after a long time. This area and this apartment seem to have some special quality that always reminds me of home. Is it because it really was my first own place "back then" or because the area really is amazing, I don't know. But in any case, I'm just exhilarated to be back! The apartment even smells like it used to! There is one added bonus though - the bathroom has been renovated since I moved out and is now a million times better than before. Just loving it.

Moving and putting stuff to place second time in the last 5 months has also left me quite confident in my skills as a handyman. I may not be exactly housewife material (cooking, cleaning, sewing etc.) but I do take some pride in putting together some furniture and lifting heavy boxes... All about finding a man who'd fill in the female role then :P

Best of the Best

The past six weeks have felt like forever, and at the same time, flown past in an instant. It's been amazing, and since everyone's going to ask anyway, I'll jot down a couple of highlights, the very best of all the good things.

- speaking English
- cheap coffee
- bagels
- martinis
- sangria
- living the Toronto life for a little while and meeting new people
- catching up on 5 months worth of Life (yes, with capital L) with M

That being said, I'm ready to go home, at least for a little while... ;)

Cultural politics

As our road trip continued to Québec City, the sensation of being in Europe got even stronger. This pretty little town could almost anywhere in Central Europe. Reminds me of old Tallinn, for instance. As for the language barrier, we've still managed with English, especially when we've been careful to demonstrate that we're not English by mother tongue. It's kind of a weird thing, how the French-speakers sometimes look nastily at those who speak English with each other. Like you could help it, if it happens to be your first language!? I do think, though, that we have a bit of the same thing going on in Finland in terms of Swedish and Finnish. And I think it goes both ways, too.

Another thing I've noticed here is that the Quebecois are keen on presenting their "Native" heritage. I don't think I've seen this many "Native art" shops anywhere else in North America. Most of the shops or "galleries" advertise being distinctly Quebecois but seem to offer just as much West Coast "artefacts"...

What continent was this, exactly?

Some 200 km further to the east, and it almost feels like being shipped back to the old continent. Montreal is very European, and very French to be exact, especially in comparison with the multiethnic (though culturally quite North American) Toronto. Thanks (?) to the scores of tourists, one can still get by with English. We've had some nasty looks, though, for not being able to speak French. We'll see how it is in the countryside.

Overall, I'm finding this Canadian mixture of North America and Europe slightly confusing. Time is usually expressed in the 12-hour format (except in French signs, where they use the 24-hour format); distances are in kilometres but heights in feet; weight sometimes in kilos and sometimes in pounds. And so on. Crazy people :P

Roadtrip begins!

(Too) early this morning we got up to begin our tour of eastern Canada. First, though, we had to empty M's room because we won't be returning to the same house in Toronto. Although it wasn't too much fun carrying heaps of luggage down to the street from the third floor, it was by far the easiest move I've seen ;)

The 5-hour bus trip to Ottawa was reasonably comfy. I've heard interesting stories about Greyhound (busdrivers who realize halfway through the journey that they're going in the wrong direction; luggage disappearing during the trip etc.) but at least this one was all good. More space for legs than in your average airplane and no creepy people aboard.

Along the way we passed some cute farmhouses and beautiful villas. Also the greenness of the early June landscape was a welcome change after Toronto. We also crossed a Mississippi River! First I thought I was hallucinating, but turns out it's a tributary of the Ottawa River... ;)

Our hostel in Ottawa is a former jailhouse, and it's quite a sight in itself. Our room is converted from two tiny cells, and now houses beds for 6 people - and nothing else really. The location is very central though, and we already did a bit of sightseeing around the Parliament Hill. All's looking well :)

Getting ready to hit the road...

Tomorrow we'll leave Toronto for a while to explore the rest of eastern Canada. First stops Ottawa and Montreal by Greyhound, further plans to be made... :) In anticipation of the grand tour, we rented a cool PT Cruiser (sweet cream color, too!) last week and drove to the Niagara Falls. We were lucky to get a beautiful weather, blue skies and a good 20 degrees.

The Niagara area as such was even tackier than I'd expected, I must say. Huge hotels overlooking the falls, a casino, and an entire little city built to attract tourists. It was rather surreal, really. The falls as such were beautiful, of course, and I'm happy I finally got to see them. Also enjoyed going down behind the falls. Still kind of thinking about driving to the US side of the border too...

The best thing about the trip was probably just driving around the countryside, seeing all the amazing houses around Niagara-on-the-Lake (will return when I'm 70...), and dropping by a few vineyeards. We had a local "tour guide," which definitely made the trip more fun.

Otherwise, we've just been enjoying our freedom - sleeping late, going for coffee, coming to M's place to do our nails and things like that. This week I've also met several of her friends (and new ones, too) for a little dinner party (the BBQ without a grill...) and Saturday-night sangria.

To sum up the first two weeks in Toronto, it's been great! It's been good to be able to just go about without any stress and hurry, which is so typical of your average city holidays. The next two weeks are sure to be more hectic!

On the other hand, this all feels unreal somehow. It doesn't quite seem that I have a "normal" life at all. Maybe it's because I don't have a job waiting for me back home, and because I won't be returning to the apartment I left. In any case, it feels a bit weird every now and then. Not necessarily in a bad way, even. Just like "is this really happening to me." Continuation of my thoughts throughout the spring, really.

Summer days

The warm weather finally arrived, meaning wonderful lazy days spent wandering in parks and enjoying the sun. High Park was a really great place to spend a Saturday afternoon, with lots of space for having a picnic, beautiful flowers and trees. We also saw a family walking their pet iguana on a leash... They also had a little boa with them, but he (she?) had to just travel in his owner's arms. In addition, I've seen a big poodle wearing sunglasses... Yup, tiny little ones but they went properly behind his ears and all. The things you see in a big city...!

On Saturday we also went to a party in a frat house. Not a proper frat party, but rather a gathering of some friends. It was fun anyways to see the house(s). The main building was in a horribly bad condition, mostly due to lack of cleaning... Maybe 20 bags of trash in the kitchen. Imagine the smell... Afterwards, we went to a nightclub and I was very satisfied to get free entrance for coming all the way from Finland :D (It did seem to me, though, that no one else paid anything either, but apparently that was because they were local students or something.)

Mostly we've just been walking around the different neighborhoods: Little Italy, Greektown, Koreatown, Chinatown and so on. Looking into funny little stores and trying out different kinds of foods. Goood times ;)

Tourist activities

Other than the previous comments about insane bureaucracy, I've been enjoying the regular tourist activities with the added flavor of having one or two local guides. This way (and, well, with a bit of luck), we've managed to do a lot of free or cheap things:

- Black Creek Pioneer Village (admission 2 dollars instead of 12 an hour before closing time), which was a pretty little 19th century village thingy with guides dressed up accordingly.
- Lunch-time piano concert at the Four Seasons Centre for Performing Arts. Music was a bit modern to our liking, but it was fun to hear the pianist talk about the pieces. Also, it felt good to just sit for an hour without having to actively do anything. (The seats were a bit uncomfortable, though.)
- Royal Ontario Museum, free for the last hour on Wednesday. Saw First Nations artifacts (why was the lighting so dark?), a weird Canada exhibit (a mixture of furniture, paintings etc.), and dinosaur skeletons, which were awesome.

We've also done some shopping (for warmer clothes...), enjoyed fresh bagels, and wondered in pretty little parks. I can't get over the abundance of cute squirrels in this city. Many of them are black! I also saw a tiny little one... Don't know if it was a baby or a midget. Cool birds too in all kinds of bright colors.

Rules and Regulations

I know Canada is supposed to be nothing like the United States but let me, nevertheless, point out some oddities in terms of bureaucracy in these two countries:

- you can't cash traveler's checks at a bank without having an account there. You can't open an account without cash and a permanent address in Canada
- they have about a billion different price groups for public transportation: regular, 14-day advance purchase, 7-day advance purchase, 1-day advance purchase, local student, student with ISIC, youth, and so on... In addition, I heard different companies may have two for the price of one deals as well...
- when you enter the US from Canada, you have to pay a 7-dollar visa waiver fee that allows you to stay in that country for three months. When you return to Canada within that time period, they may not necessarily remove the piece of paper from your passport (in case you want to re-enter the US). However, if the paper remains in your passport after those three months, you can't return to the US because they think you've never left the country. How can they think you never left if you're crossing the border from Canada to the US, I don't know. In any case, you have to get the visa waiver removed from your passport (by sending it to US authorities or by traveling to the nearest international airport to do it) and somehow prove that you have at some point left the US. (Again, if you're doing this IN Canada, how can they think you haven't left the US?)

As for security matters, M told me that Canadians frequently drive around with a gun by their side. However, they have to file a whole lot of paperwork if they ever take out that gun so I guess that's supposed to keep irrational shooting at a minimum...? On my very first night here we went to see a movie preview at the university and there were two security guys there to make sure people didn't record the film or something. They just had some kind of binoculars or something, which was really creepy. I had this feeling that they were aiming at me and would shoot me at any moment...

First Impressions

Toronto feels comfy and somehow familiar. Maybe it's the CN Tower that stands out wherever you look (makes me feel like I'm in Seattle), or the architecture that resembles that of Vancouver. Also, it seems to be true that nowhere in the world are there as many nationalities/ethnicities present as here. One blond girl easily fits in the crowd (as opposed to, say, Spain).

On the other hand, you know it's a big city. In the first few days, I've seen:
- one seemingly liveless body at a street corner
- two cases of paramedics giving first aid (one at the mall, the other at a subway station)
- one accident involving a car and a bike

The transfer system of the public transportation network is funny. When you enter the subway/bus/streetcar, you can ask for a transfer ticket. On it it says that it is valid only for continuing your trip (not for backtracking) "within reasonable time" and you're not allowed to walk a part of the way in-between stops. How weird is that? How do they determine "reasonable time"? I haven't yet dared to test...

Also noticed the irony of the Canadian 20-dollar bill. The backside portrays the colonized (First Nations or their art) and the front side the colonizer (Queen Elizabeth). Or maybe the British colonize(d) both the First Nations as well as the "white" Canadians? Not very relevant maybe, but just caught my attention.

I'm going to Canada!!

Countdown 17.5 hours.

I've packed my suitcase, emptied my apartment (well, at least almost), and taken care of the gazillion things on my list (or at least the ones I remembered to put on the list). I'm feeling calmer and ready to go!

It's going to be amazing... I bet I'll get fed up at times (or probably M will get fed up with me first, as one nice person suggested) but it's still going to be so good to see all those places, both new and familiar ones. And I'm absolutely thrilled about the idea of settling in Toronto for two whole weeks, living in the city sort of. And getting to go through almost five month's worth of gossip and stuff :)

First Toronto update to follow in a day or two!

Pre-travel Panic

Countdown 2 days 13 hours and I'm freaking out! I have a gazillion things to do and I can't seem to get started. I just want to stay home... I know I'll enjoy it once I get going, but right now it's just so hard to think about anything else besides the chaos around me. Not only do I need to pack my stuff for a 6-week trip, I also need to empty my apartment, send a few job applications and take care of some financial issues...

In addition to pre-travel panic, I probably also got too much sun today and am simply feeling nauseated.

Spring=optimism?

Are things actually beginning to work out or is it just the long, sun-lit evenings spent drinking sparkling wine that make me feel more optimistic?

I've found a couple of really interesting jobs to apply, and I even feel that I might be a strong candidate for one of them!

And it seems that I won't end up homeless after all! My parents' studio in Käpylä is suddenly going to be available in June. It isn't exactly in the downtown area like I had hoped, but hey, it's pretty cheap, almost twice as big as this apartment, and in good condition. And it has a balcony! Sound vaguely familiar? Yes, I've lived there before, the first two years after I moved away from my parents'. That's a bit of a downside, but I'll try to make it look like a new apartment. Everyone welcome to help me out ;)

And saving the best for last: only two more weeks and I'll be in Toronto! The spring went by real fast, but my gawd, am I waiting to see my dear friend again!! Official countdown: 14 days and 12 hours 'til take-off :)

More Spring!

Last night I woke up at around 5am. The sun was about to rise... And I could hear birds singing! This is one of the most amazing things about spring - hearing the birds again, and realizing how you've missed them. Almost wanted to get up, get dressed and go outside to feel the nature wake up around me.

A more practical, and less romantic, action was to fall back asleep :)

But soon it will be summer, and I promise myself to enjoy those early-morning and late-night moments, when the air is so still you can almost touch it. When the world is so beautiful you almost want to cry.

Who knows, I might even get to share those moments with someone...

Sensation of Freedom

It's Spring! The seagulls, of course. Tiny hints of green in trees and bushes. Smell of earth. Freckles. New icecream flavors. And throat and eyes full of dust.

After a busy and rough winter, I'm barely able to keep my feet on the ground. I've got a few minor assignments to finish, and then I'm done with school (and even better, done with studying English for good [yeah, I know, never say never]). I'm starting to have the energy to read just for fun, and it makes me so happy (although I recently swore I wouldn't read another novel once I'm finished with my seminar paper).

I heard Hanson's MMMbop on the radio, really made my day :D Fond memories of the summer of ´97... (How can it be 11 years???)

I'm still facing unemployment and homelessness, but who cares. I'll spend the summer on the nearby beach with the gulls and the glimmering sea. Truly takes my breath away.

Permanent Turbulence...

Almost nothing in my life is permanent, except for the above-mentioned turbulence... No job, no apartment (well, at least after May), no relationship at least the way I'm used to, and most urgently, no finished research paper.

Makes life pretty hard at times, if also definitely interesting.

Well, I've got my friends of course. But people are by definition sort of fluid, absent physically or mentally. Sometimes it just doesn't help to know that they exist in general, no matter how hard you try. You'd just desperately need them by your side, right this instant...

If all else fails, take a nap.

Up and down we go

I need to remind myself every few hours about the promise I made to be more positive... Someone asked me whether I had manic-depressive tendencies and sometimes it does feel like that. Without the manic bit though :P I know, it's not exactly a thing to joke about but I have to admit that I'm awfully moody sometimes. Maybe it has more to do with the fact that I boil over easily. I get hung up on minor details, take everything personally, and stress on other people's behalf.

On the positive side, I calm down pretty easily, too. Maybe that's what makes my life seem like an eternal rollercoaster...

Being Happy

I've decided that I shouldn't let those gloomy moments carry through to the next day. Instead, I need to gain strength from happy moments. If there don't seem to be too many, I need to change my attitude! Stop over-analyzing and thinking of worst-case scenarios!

Haha. She's full of resolutive power this Saturday afternoon :D But seriously, life's pretty good at the moment. I fixed my financial problems (well, only temporarily but still), went for a walk and hopefully get to hear some good music tonight. Helsinki seems like a whole new city when I look at it from my new neighborhood. I have people who care about me and stick around, although I haven't been the easiest person for the past few months (if ever).

There. My happy thoughts for today :)

Condition of general "bleh"

That's how I'd describe my overall mood at the moment. First I was a bit sad, then pissed-off, then I figured that it's just general "bleh"... Mondays have never been my favorite days anyway but today it's just really hard not to crawl under the blanket and sleep 'til tomorrow at least.

I sat two hours at my English seminar, my thoughts wondering off quite beyond "the double-colonization of women"... Nothing new though, I never have anything intelligent to say in that class. "Looking forward" to next week, when people will have a go at my pathetic essay draft.

Went to ask about a job I really wanted, only to hear that an acquaintance had already got the post. Of course I'm jealous but I don't think it's too fair to just give the job to the first person who asks about it, without any proper application time or anything. Besides, I know I would've been really good at it too. Hope they feel sorry now ;)

(Dis)equilibrium

I've returned to my former philosophy that life is a constant state of disequilibrium. No use making statements about "serenity" or any some such stable state of mind. It's bound to come crashing down.

It does seem that most often there's only myself to blame. Makes me wonder whether this means that I'm incapable of settling down? I'm so used to my life on the rollercoaster of adolescence that I have the need to buy a seasonal ticket?

That being said, I still believe that good things will, in one form or another, come out of this whole new stage in my life.